Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why do women love cats?
They're independent, don't listen, don't come when you call them, like to stay out all night, and when they are home they just want to be left alone to sleep. In other words, every quality that women find obnoxious in a man, they love in a cat.
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes, excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Husband knows everything.
What three little words come to a man's mind when his wife gets sentimental while watching a romantic movie?
"Pass the popcorn."
If one man can wash one stack of dishes in one hour, how many stacks of dishes can four men wash in four hours?
None. They'll all sit down together and watch football on television.
TRANSLATING THE MALE LANGUAGE
"I can't find it," REALLY MEANS, "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, therefore I'm completely clueless."
"Will you marry me?" REALLY MEANS, "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
"Can I help with dinner?" REALLY MEANS, "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"It would take too long to explain," REALLY MEANS, "I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately," REALLY MEANS, "The batteries in the remote are dead."
"We're going to be late," REALLY MEANS, "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard," REALLY MEANS, "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"You know how bad my memory is," REALLY MEANS, "I remember the words to the theme song of "F Troop", the address of the first girl I kissed, and the Vehicle Identification Number of every car I've ever owned...but I forgot your birthday."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal," REALLY MEANS, "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house," REALLY MEANS, "I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket."
"You really look terrific in that outfit," REALLY MEANS, "Please don't try on anything else...I'm starving."
"I missed you," REALLY MEANS, "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are," REALLY MEANS, "No one will ever see us alive again."
"I don't need to read the instructions," REALLY MEANS, "I am perfectly capable of messing it up without printed help."
THE TRUTH SHALL SET YE FREE
In heaven, there are two gates for married men: the gate for those who claim they were the boss in their marriage, and the gate for those who admit their wife was the boss.
Saint Peter was strolling near the two gates one day. In front of the gate for married men who admit their wife was the boss was a very long line. In front of the gate for men who claim they were the boss was a solitary fellow, looking a bit confused.
"Say pal, what are you doing over by THAT gate?" inquired Saint Peter. "Well, Saint Peter, I'm really not sure," replied the man, "but this is where my wife told me to stand."