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Snake jokes and puns so clean
you could eat off 'em!

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To boa or not to boa, that is the question. -- Steve

What did the naughty little diamondback say to his big sister?
"Don't be such a rattle-tail!"
-- Carol

What does an exhibitionistic snake wear to the beach?
A pythong.
-- Carole B.

What's a picnic?
A snack in the grass.
-- Sandra Wolf

What is a snake's favorite subject?

What does a boa constrictor use to make herself look prettier?
Hair coilers!
-- Louie Bon (woof!)

What kind of snake is completely different?
A Monty Python.
-- The Artful Bodger

Knock, knock.
   Who's there?
   Snakeskin who?
Snakeskin bite, but we'd rather run away.
-- Bailey

How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow!
-- Todd

What did the snake say to Sylvester the Cat?
Nothing. He was ssssspeechlesssss!

What do you call a snake without any clothes on?
-- Hannah Stafford, Aberdeen, Scotland

Monogrammed towels: 'Hiss' and 'Herps'.

Why is a snake so smart?
Because you can't pull its leg!
-- Hannah Stafford, Aberdeen, Scotland

Why is a snake so careless?
Because it keeps losing its skin!
-- Hannah Stafford, Aberdeen, Scotland

Hey Frank, are we venomous?
   Why do you want to know?
'Cause I just bit my tongue!

What does a snake radio DJ say?
"Snake, rattle and roll!"
-- Hannah Stafford, Aberdeen, Scotland

What does a well-dressed snake wear?
A boa tie!
-- Bill Stupi, Elizabeth, NJ

What kind of snake keep its car the cleanest?
A windshield viper!
-- Parker Deay

What is a snake's favorite footwear?
Snakers, of course!
-- Todd

How do snakes show they love you?
They give you hugs and hisses!
-- Todd

What happens when a snake gets mad?
It throws a hisssssy-fit!
-- Kevin Crace

What is the most popular snake dialect?
-- Zeeb

Don't worry, be herpy.

What kind of snake can do math in the dark?
A night adder!
-- Zeeb

What kind of snake did Roger the shrubber
(from Monty Python and the Holy Grail)
use to help him round up some shrubbery?
A bushmaster!
-- Zeeb

What kind of snakes get to hug the bride at a wedding?
Garter snakes!
-- Zeeb

What do snakes do at the end of a date?
They give each other a goodnight hiss!

What kind of snake can cut a rug with the best of them?
A carpet python!
-- Anonymous

What snake do you bow to?
A kingsnake.
-- Anonymous

Who married the kingsnake?
Well, the queensnake of course!
-- Anonymous

What prize was given for first place?
A blue ribbon snake!
-- Anonymous

What snake is a member of the band?
The RATTLEsnake!
-- Anonymous

How can you revive a snake that looks dead?
With mouse-to-mouth resuscitation!

M R snakes.
M R not snakes!
S M R! C D E D B D i'S?
-- Tal Weberg

How did the snakes bust out of jail?
They scaled the wall!

What kind of slippers do snakes wear?
Water moccasins!

What do snakes put on their kitchen floors?

How do you measure a snake?
In inches. They don't have any feet!

If you crossed a snake with a robin, what kind of bird would you get?
A swallow!

What did the cobra say to the flute player?
"Charmed to meet you!"

What would you get if you crossed a newborn snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa!

What do snakes take for an upset stomach?
-- Ian T. Campbell

Why couldn't the female snake have any babies?
Because she'd had a hiss-terectomy!

What should a ghost yell if it wants to scare a snake?

Why do snakes go to free clinics?
They like the sliding scales!

Why can't snakes eat soup?
No spoon! They only have a forked tongue!

Why was the water moccasin suspended from the swim team?
He was failing Hisss-tory.

Why did the snake laugh so hard she started to cry?
She thought the joke was hisss-terical

Why did the snake cross the road?
To get to the other ssssssssside.

Why didn't the snakes leave Noah's Ark
and multiply like all the other animals?
They couldn't multiply. They were adders!
-- Mike Blaine

Why did the wife snake leave her husband at the party?
She thought he was making an asp out of himself!

What kind of snake helps clean the dishes?
A dish-viper!
-- Marcia

How do snakes cook pasta?
Heat until the water coils or comes to a slither!
(Boils or comes to a simmer.)
-- Tim Morrison

What do you get if you cross a snake with a builder?
A Boa Constructor!

-- Thomas Howard

Why do snakes squeeze their food?
Because they have no arms to hug it!!!

-- Katy Applin

What is a snake's favorite song?
"Fangs For The Memories"

What is a snake's favorite dance?
The 'Mamba'!

-- Thomas Howard

Where do snakes go to have fun?
The boa-ling alley!

-- Thomas Howard

What clothing might sister snakes share?



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