I need help . . .
That much will become clear after you read the articles listed in the menu to the left, which were written by me, award-winning humorist Steven Ricci. Depending on your temperament, after reading one or more of these stories you'll either laugh hard enough to crack the foundation of your house or, at least, get a snicker, guffaw, or chuckle to brighten the staggering banality that is your existence. At the utter minimum, these stories may help you suppress that gnawing urge you've had to punt the cat off a highway overpass.
If you do, indeed, find any of the stories humorous and enjoyable, all I ask in that you e-mail the link to the editor of your favorite newspaper or magazine. I anticipate that, eventually, one of them will be so enthralled by my daunting talents, they'll offer to buy my work, give me a syndicated column, or offer me a book contract. You then will have played a major role in helping bring laughter to the world.
At the very least you will have annoyed an editor, which is always big fun.
Worldwide Acclaim for the Humor of Steven Ricci
"I found it offensive, insulting, sophomoric, and highly vulgar."
-- Howard Stern
"A one-man campaign for prenatal lobotomies."
-- C. Everett Koop, M.D.
"We all said this would happen when they stopped the medications. Last time this happened, we found him sitting in my radish patch trying to sell insurance policies to a daddy longlegs. The boy's loopy."
-- Consuela Weems, next-door neighbor
"It's killer stuff. Cutting-edge. It really slays me."
-- O.J. Simpson
"Holy Mother of Crisco! Two minutes into reading this stuff I laughed so hard that a loogie the size of a schnauzer shot out of my nose during the morning novena and blasted Father Flanagan's new hair weave right into the sacristy."
-- Mother Angelica
"Brash, yet bitingly insouciant. Entirely tepid, but unduly presupposing. Redolent with cloying allusions to paraphonetic reasoning that raise phlegmatic chicanery to heights hitherto believed unattainable."
-- Ives la Pierre St. Crispin, The New York Times Review of Books
"You can see the punchlines coming a mile away."
"I find his worke, that is to say, the worke he himself has done, to be quite humorous, which is to say that laughtere, which can often be thought of as funnye when actual laughing takes place, can be amusing to one who might otherwise easily . . . um, be not so amused, so to speake."
-- Dan Quayle
"I laughed real hard. 'Cept that there weren't hardly any articles a'tall bout guttin' small game."
-- Tweaky Oxmead, Squirrel Eaters' Monthly
"This man should be tightly welded to the next outgoing deep-space exploration probe."
-- Buzz Aldrin
"We will pray for his soul, which will undoubtedly fester with fetid, suppurating cankers, lesions, and boils, as vicious demons with molten pitchforks rend the very flesh from his body, leaving his verminous, worm-ridden carcass to broil ceaselessly in the white-hot hellfires of perpetual damnation. This is the blessed word of our Lord."
-- Pat Robertson
"It moved me, much like an espresso enema with chili cheesedog chasers."
-- Sid Sissel, Alliteratives Anonymous
"Reads like a Richard Nixon textbook on political ethics."
-- Manuel Noriega
"This guy would have trouble getting laughs during Nitrous Oxide Day at Red Skelton Memorial Clown College."
-- Dennis Miller
Warnings, Disclaimers, and Other Festering Unpleasantness
The columns you are about to read may cause third-degree burns if read while balancing a paper cup filled with scalding liquid between your naked thighs. The author assumes no responsibility for any boiled thighs that may occur during the reading thereof; neither will he accept blame nor responsibility for any strokes, choking, tongue-swallowing, reflexive palsy, hemorrhaging, explosive ejection of partially masticated food stuffs, stress-induced arrhythmia, spontaneous incontinence, or grapefruit-sized aortic aneurysms that may result from the reading of these works.
Furthermore, the copying, reproduction, reprinting, or reselling of these works, in part or in their entirety, without the express written consent of the author is prohibited by law. Those who attempt to do so will be visited by several bungalow-sized associates of the law firm of Carmine, Vito, & The Scar, P.A., who will gleefully introduce you to the subtle yet compelling nuances of the toilet-snake enema.
© 2011 Steven Ricci
All material is copyrighted by the author. For information about publishing rights contact