THE CAT'S DIARY
Day 751: My captors continue to distress me with
bizarre dangling objects. They eat lavish meals in my presence while I am forced to
subsist on dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of eventual escape
-- that, and the satisfaction I get from occasionally ruining a piece of their furniture.
I fear I may be going insane. Yesterday, I ate a houseplant. Tomorrow I may eat another. |
BUTTERED CAT PHYSICS
QUESTION: If, when you drop a buttered
piece of bread, it drops butter side down, and a cat always lands on its feet, what would
happen if you took a piece of buttered bread, strapped it on the back of a cat (butter
side up) and dropped it from a great height?
ANSWER: Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be able
to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the
ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not
smash its furry back.
If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore
it simply does not fall.
That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can be), you have discovered
the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height
where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium
point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some
of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.
Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to drive their
ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is,
in fact, the purring of several hundred tabbies.
The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread off their backs
they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats will land on their feet, but this usually
doesn't do them much good, since right after they make their graceful landing several tons
of red-hot starship and pissed off aliens crash on top of them. |
CAT COMMANDMENTS
THOU SHALT not pull the phone cord out of the back
of the computer.
THOU SHALT not unroll all the toilet paper off the roll.
THOU SHALT not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou art not transparent.
THOU SHALT not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.
THOU SHALT not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.
THOU SHALT not leap from great heights onto thy human's genital region. Fast as thou art, thou canst not run through closed doors.
THOU SHALT not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.
THOU SHALT not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thou wilt fall in and trap thyself.
THOU SHALT not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down.
THOU SHALT not jump onto thy sleeping human's bladder at 4 am.
THOU SHALT not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slow.
THOU SHALT remember that thou art a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat.
THOU SHALT never forget that thou art not human. Thou art a feline. That is special enough. |
